When I go to the fucking supermarket for gin and meat, I pay by fucking card. When I stick my card in the machine, I fucking KNOW what to do next. You don’t need to fucking tell me to enter my PIN. I fucking KNOW. The reason I haven’t done it yet, is because the screen – which you, sat dribbling behind your checkout, cannot see – STILL SAYS WAIT.

I’m fucking standing here, eyes nailed to the display, hand poised over the first MOTHERFUCKING number, waiting for the CUNTING picosecond that the display changes and says “Enter PIN”, and I don’t need you to tell me to SHITTING enter it a full three HORSE’S COCKING second before the display updates, you NUMB-CUNTED SHIT-GARGLING GOBSHITE.

Honestly. I can manage.

So maybe, when you emerge onto the tube/train platform in the middle of rush hour, you might want to move along a bit. See there are probably people behind you who also want to get onto the fucking platform.

Or do you maybe get some little sexual pleasure from people bumping into the back of you, as you stop dead, head rotating like a fucking lighthouse gawping at all the pretty lights.

GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY, CUNT.

I’ve been off wanking into BA Robertson’s toaster, chucking women at the pope, bugling away my third nose and garrotting budgies for the Czech mafia.

I only remembered I had this cunting website when a cunt on Twitter flicked my ballsac with a wet towel, saying “Since there’s no email address on your website, I’ve had to sign up for this shit.”

Over there on the right, you are intended to see some text labelled “Fucking Contact“, which – in case for some reason you can’t see it, or you’re a cunt – says:

“The domain is idiotsplayground.com and the username is theidiot. If you can’t figure it out from that then I don’t want to fucking hear from you anyway.”

This remains as true now as it was when I shat it onto the keyboard.

See, that’s FUCKING LUNCHTIME. And I will be either in the pub, buying useless toss, watching a trampfight in the park, or otherwise not at fucking work.

Arsehole.

It’s @the_real_idiot for your following pleasure. If you can actually offend me I might consider following back. Is that how it’s supposed to fucking work?

Oh god. That it should come to this.

If you can find such hearty amusement in someone nipping back to their desk to retrieve something quickly so as not to annoy those who are holding the lift for them, then I truly don’t know whether to pity you for your utter and complete lack of wit, or to envy you in that you must be in an almost permanent state of near fucking hysteria.

Fuck me.

Cunt.

It’s not going quietly, either, I can fucking tell you. Going to be here for ten minutes clearing this bastard up.

If you sell something in three sizes, the one called “medium” is the middle one. Not the smallest one. That is called “small“.

Please stop being such cunts about this.

Thanks,
The Idiot.

I work in advertising, I don’t really give a stuff. What do companies do when they’re not doing well? Advertise more. Yes, more. Go figure.

Suits me, though.