Fuck You Very Much

Neither are you the only person in the fucking world. No, really. Sorry to break this shit to you.

So maybe, when you emerge onto the tube/train platform in the middle of rush hour, you might want to move along a bit. See there are probably people behind you who also want to get onto the fucking platform.

Or do you maybe get some little sexual pleasure from people bumping into the back of you, as you stop dead, head rotating like a fucking lighthouse gawping at all the pretty lights.

GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY, CUNT.

Dear fast food restaurants (and coffee shops),

If you sell something in three sizes, the one called “medium” is the middle one. Not the smallest one. That is called “small“.

Please stop being such cunts about this.

Thanks,
The Idiot.

Why? For Bog’s sake, why?

Why am I surrounded by such a dribbling ineffectual braying herd of gits, shits, pricks, cunts, fucks and more fucking pricks? Was I Hitler in a former life or something?

Jesus Suffering Fuck.

The dialling code for London is 020. Only.

NOT 0207 OR 0208. If you use either of these – that is, if you put the space after the 7 or the 8 – YOU ARE A COMPLETE FUCKWIT. No exceptions.

The point of a dialling code is to locate the area from outside that area. You do not need the code if you are inside that area. In Brighton, the code is 01273. For the fictional number 01273 123546, from inside Brighton you would simply dial 123456.

Thus, for the fictional London number 020 7654 1234, you would dial 7654 1234. Try leaving the 7 off and see how far you get.

Has that explained it simply enough? Or do you need a FUCKING DIAGRAM? OF A PHONE? YOU TWAT.

Oh look. Here’s a project. It’s divided up into phases, isn’t it? Like, say, design phase, amends phase, build phase, and testing phase. Sounds good doesn’t it?

Ah but wait! Testing phase? We all know that that actually should read “Doing last minute amends for the client because the account manager can’t fucking say no phase”, don’t we? Yes we do.

Oh! Now look again! The design phase has slipped! It’s eaten the whole amends phase! Plus, the client didn’t sign off the designs, and now that even that phase has overrun by three days, and they’re still umming and ahhing. I wonder what that could mean for the build phase…

Yes! That’s right! The people involved in the build phase now have to work twice as hard and twice as fast! And work late! Oh, joy!

If your answer was “The delivery date should move” you obviously don’t work in advertising.