Fuck You Very Much

Neither are you the only person in the fucking world. No, really. Sorry to break this shit to you.

So maybe, when you emerge onto the tube/train platform in the middle of rush hour, you might want to move along a bit. See there are probably people behind you who also want to get onto the fucking platform.

Or do you maybe get some little sexual pleasure from people bumping into the back of you, as you stop dead, head rotating like a fucking lighthouse gawping at all the pretty lights.

GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY, CUNT.

Ho cunts. What did I miss?

I’ve been off wanking into BA Robertson’s toaster, chucking women at the pope, bugling away my third nose and garrotting budgies for the Czech mafia.

I only remembered I had this cunting website when a cunt on Twitter flicked my ballsac with a wet towel, saying “Since there’s no email address on your website, I’ve had to sign up for this shit.”

Over there on the right, you are intended to see some text labelled “Fucking Contact“, which – in case for some reason you can’t see it, or you’re a cunt – says:

“The domain is idiotsplayground.com and the username is theidiot. If you can’t figure it out from that then I don’t want to fucking hear from you anyway.”

This remains as true now as it was when I shat it onto the keyboard.

Dear fast food restaurants (and coffee shops),

If you sell something in three sizes, the one called “medium” is the middle one. Not the smallest one. That is called “small“.

Please stop being such cunts about this.

Thanks,
The Idiot.

Yeah, well I know the whole economy of the entire fucking world is half in the shitter, but really. Running around with your hands in the air and screaming “Woe is me” isn’t actually going to help.

I work in advertising, I don’t really give a stuff. What do companies do when they’re not doing well? Advertise more. Yes, more. Go figure.

Suits me, though.

Women! Know this.

Ugg boots might be comfortable, but they are COMPLETELY FUCKING HIDEOUS.

No, really. I honestly hope those things are free, because you look like utter cunts in them. Without exception.

Walking around with your feet in two dead rotting badgers might be comfy too, but it would be pretty bloody nasty to look at.

This bullshit has gone on far too fucking long, and I’ve had enough of it. As of now you fucking lot are going to be told.

Pin them back and listen up. I know where every one of you lives, and I have a length of 2×4 with each and every one of you cunts’ names on it.

Get up against the wall and pray that when your time comes I feel merciful enough to run you through with a modicum of speed.