Here’s an example – bear with me. I have a smartphone, and it happens to be made by a large computer company. I like it, it does what I want from a smartphone, i.e. i) operate as a phone, ii) do other clever shit. I wanted it to do more clever shit than Apple allow you to do out of the box, so I jailbreaked it, and now I can install various other things on it too. This is all well and good.

So in a conversation earlier today, I happened to mention that the jailbreakers have cracked the latest version of the phone’s operating system. (You may be thinking this is already a pretty boring conversation – I was talking to a crowd of geeks many of whom have the same phone, so it was justified in context.) Anyway, someone pipes up with “So what does jailbreaking really get you? I’ve never found a reason that’s convinced me to do it.” which is fair enough. So I started explaining that you can install third party apps so you’re no longer limited to just the software that Apple want you to have, and personally I like theming and skinning the OS since I get bored looking at the same look and feel all the time, and was going to go into more detail about why some of these things are quite cool when Prick A cuts in with “Like you can do on Android then!”

Jesus fucking Christ. This is exactly like answering the question “How can I (perform moderately complex software task) on Windows XP?” with the  answer “Use Linux!!!!”, and it marks you out as a supercilious cunt of the fucking highest water.

I’m too irritated now to remember the other example I had.

Fuck you.

So maybe, when you emerge onto the tube/train platform in the middle of rush hour, you might want to move along a bit. See there are probably people behind you who also want to get onto the fucking platform.

Or do you maybe get some little sexual pleasure from people bumping into the back of you, as you stop dead, head rotating like a fucking lighthouse gawping at all the pretty lights.

GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY, CUNT.

Why am I surrounded by such a dribbling ineffectual braying herd of gits, shits, pricks, cunts, fucks and more fucking pricks? Was I Hitler in a former life or something?

Jesus Suffering Fuck.

Ugg boots might be comfortable, but they are COMPLETELY FUCKING HIDEOUS.

No, really. I honestly hope those things are free, because you look like utter cunts in them. Without exception.

Walking around with your feet in two dead rotting badgers might be comfy too, but it would be pretty bloody nasty to look at.