April 2nd, 2009 § 0
What’s that you say? You’ve booked a meeting for 1pm? Well that’s lovely, but you’ll be having it without me, won’t you?
See, that’s FUCKING LUNCHTIME. And I will be either in the pub, buying useless toss, watching a trampfight in the park, or otherwise not at fucking work.
Arsehole.
March 12th, 2009 § 0
Well bugger my arse. What the world needs now is more cunts shitting along on the web, so I signed up for Fucking Twitter. Yes. Fucking Twitter. Jesus.
It’s @the_real_idiot for your following pleasure. If you can actually offend me I might consider following back. Is that how it’s supposed to fucking work?
Oh god. That it should come to this.
December 10th, 2008 § 0
Sorry, what exactly was soooo funny about a man in a coat running? The coat? Or the running?
If you can find such hearty amusement in someone nipping back to their desk to retrieve something quickly so as not to annoy those who are holding the lift for them, then I truly don’t know whether to pity you for your utter and complete lack of wit, or to envy you in that you must be in an almost permanent state of near fucking hysteria.
Fuck me.
December 8th, 2008 § 0
You there. Wanker. Yes, you. Wanker with the laptop on the front carriage of the 19:20 eastbound from Camden Road. Your bag is not a passenger, regardless of how important you imagine your “work” to be. Therefore it shouldn’t have its own seat.
Cunt.
December 8th, 2008 § 0
I’m actually on the fucking bog right now. Right now. Pushing one out.
It’s not going quietly, either, I can fucking tell you. Going to be here for ten minutes clearing this bastard up.
November 17th, 2008 § 0
Dear fast food restaurants (and coffee shops),
If you sell something in three sizes, the one called “medium” is the middle one. Not the smallest one. That is called “small“.
Please stop being such cunts about this.
Thanks,
The Idiot.
October 6th, 2008 § 0
Yeah, well I know the whole economy of the entire fucking world is half in the shitter, but really. Running around with your hands in the air and screaming “Woe is me” isn’t actually going to help.
I work in advertising, I don’t really give a stuff. What do companies do when they’re not doing well? Advertise more. Yes, more. Go figure.
Suits me, though.
August 29th, 2008 § 0
Look, cunts, it’s really simple. Really REALLY simple. So simple a fucking TV chef should be able to understand it.
When you walk away from your desk, either:
That’s it.
I mean… there are indigenous tribes deep in the Congo who have independently arrived at this conclusion. It’s not just common sense, it’s… well. Words, for once, fail me.
Basically if you haven’t figured this out yet, then everyone around you thinks you’re a cunt.
August 27th, 2008 § 0
On my commute to work I am surrounded daily by a truly terrifying quantity of Daily Mail readers. It gives me the fucking willies, I tell you.
Anyway, I’m not sure if it was a Mail-related magazine, or just some HELLO, OK, JUST FUCKING BUY ME type magazine designed to separate “beauty technicians” from their cash, but gazing slackly out at me from several glossy spreads this morning was the doughy face of Jade Goody, as the headlines blazed on about her “Toughest Test Yet” and how she has “always been a fighter”.
Do me a favour, and just fuck off, will you?
Yes, I know she has been diagnosed with cancer. Cervical cancer too, which must be an utter terror for women everywhere. Know what? My mother-in-law was diagnosed with bowel cancer a couple of years ago. The same kind that carried off my best mate’s mum a few years ago and another great friend’s dad a few years before that. They were both fighters, and they didn’t have lucrative TV and press deals to shore up the medical insurance. In fact, they didn’t have medical insurance. And now they are dead.
Cancer will kill a quarter of all people, at least in the UK. Think about that. Look around you now, and pick four people that you know really well. Now kill one of them. That’s cancer.
And yet we are invited to drop everything and care about someone more purely because they went on telly and demonstrated to the world how legendarily dense they are? Go jump off a fuck.
I am in fact sorry for Jade. It’s a fucking shame that anyone gets hit with the cancer stick. But I can feel that without 20-page spreads about her struggle, thanks.
August 19th, 2008 § 1
I have a proposal for a new law, or perhaps local bye-law. I think it should be a legal right to be allowed to punch squarely in the face someone who bumps into you because they aren’t looking where they’re going.
And if it’s because they’re texting on their phone and walking along looking down at that, you should be allowed - nay fucking obliged - to give them a fucking thump in the guts as well.
Arseholes.